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Post details: The Kink and the Queen

The Kink and the Queen

Some time ago a friend of mine was trying to find a summer roommate for her house. After a long and fruitless search I suggested that she write a short ad filled with far-fetched claims and impossible demands. She did and the offers started flying in almost immediately.

Few days later I was telling this to a colleague of mine and we agreed that it would be fun to try the same approach in personals and see how many people would respond. But it was summer and there were too many butterflies to catch.

But now that it is December, and the great outdoors are curled up in deep hibernation, I decided to give the old idea a little field trial. So I wrote two short paragraphs and posted them on the Craig's List (post #243589924: how crazy is this planet?) in a dating category, which is notorious for being stuffed with empty phrases and rampant self-aggrandizement. Here they are:

A lonely middle aged bachelor, currently residing in his parents' spacious basement is looking for a dazzlingly beautiful princess of verifiable royal descent, well versed in music, poetry, crocheting and Microsoft Office. She should be height, weight, girth, length and width proportional and accustomed to having freshly harvested dew for breakfast. The Standardized Pea Test Score of at least 9 mattresses is strongly desired.

I am currently between jobs, although several branches of the McDonalds Corporation have been notified of my interest in building a career in supersonic food industry. I am a law abiding citizen, except for Saturday afternoons, when I regularly engage in off-shore betting on mountain goat fights. I still have more than half of my original teeth and some hair too, although not as many as teeth. I always see a beer bottle as half full, which I usually promptly rectify. After that I often make plans for a leveraged buyout of Goldman Sachs. I have a slight drooling problem, however, but am currently attending a voluntary healing seminar organized by a local branch of the Salivation Army. In my leisure time, I like to smoke and play a steel drum. On the athletic front, I have a blackened belt in chain smoking. I also enjoy short walks on the beach (yeah, I do mean short - you see I have been a bit out of shape lately), watching reruns of "Married with Children" and romantic evenings by a Bunsen Burner. I am looking backward to hear from you.

I posted it on Sunday evening and by midnight there were four responses. And that was pretty much it. The volume in the M4W department is so large that in a few hours the ad went over the first page horizon and was never seen again.

Of the four replies, one was heavily tainted with carnal innuendos and I suspect that it came from a commercial side of love, although it didn't contain the obligatory link to a naughty web site. The remaining three seemed genuine. One started with: "My my, you sound like a catch..." and another one with "You know just what to say to reel the ladies in". My favorite answer came from a young lady in Maryland:

Wow you sound perfect. My birth parents who of course were royalty I'm sure are still looking for me and when they find me I'll be able to secure my crown. I don't crochet but I do knit quite well. I've never witnessed a goat fight but do enjoy the occasional running of the pigs. I prefer my men to have no teeth (it saves on groceries since gumming meat is tough). And the drooling is fine as long as you don't mind wearing a bib.

Well, Internet is a strange creature: no matter what you post on it, there will always be some response to it. Even if it is a complete non-sense. But it is refreshing that human curiosity is still alive and kicking and that most people are relaxed enough to take the dating game easy and just have fun with it. For better or for worse.

Addendum (Jan 2009): After two years I decided to repeat the experiment, and this time the number of responses doubled to 8. They all seemed to have come from real people and some were quite entertaining. Like this one from a self-styled Princess of a Far Away Kingdom:

Well, I have to tell you, I score a 9.5 on the Pea Test. If there's the slightest crease in the sheets, I'm black and blue for weeks. I'm at my best floating in a warm pool filled with water lilies. I do have a personal dew harvester-who doesn't? My subjects tell me I'm stunning, but I'm Royalty, what else would they say.

And I just can't believe you enjoy mountain goat betting!! It is our favorite past time in my country. I suppose I could relieve your parents of you-but I would prefer you finish the drooling seminar first. I can have a hair weave performed for you and tooth implants last forever. You would not be allowed to smoke in my presence, but on your time off, you may join the other servants in their baser pursuits. The rest of the time, you would be by my side, serving my every whim and command and entertaining me with your quick mind and musical talent. Please let me know when the drooling is remedied and I will send the coach/jet for you. Until then, I will be waiting expectantly.

Yours, Princess Lucinda Louisa Lauraina Ladonna Lanetta Lavinia Leanna Lessandra, etc., etc., etc. (You may call me Your Highness)

So there. As long as people have tongues to put in their cheeks, there is a good chance that the human race will not choke on a dollop of political correctness. With sour cream on top of it.

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