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Absurdistan Times Nine is published on an irregular basis by
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piece of information which must be older than 48 hrs (photo ID required).
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their horoscopes and memoirs.
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News in Retrospect
- 19 July 02: The first convertible submarine has left
the docks in New Yarka Metelka. The model tentatively named
"Poseidon-Cabriolet" is priced at 30000 AF and comes with an optional
breathing apparatus and a first aid kit.
- 02 July 02: An unknown burgler stole the pool from the mansion
of Absurdistan's Minister of Eternal Bliss, Joe Cucumoto. Mr. Cucumoto
made a televised plea in which he beseeched the burglar to keep the pool,
but return the water. All the local pawn-shops were given the description
of the Olympic sized pool, but to no avail so far.
- 22 May 02: Yesterday's little leak game in West Hradec's
central kindergarten was won by Peter Wolff, who wetted his pants in 5
seconds after being presented with a picture of a modestly irritated goat
on a low-carrot diet.
- 11 February 02: The 112th annual census revealed that there are
no ants in Absurdistan. The emergency meeting of the Committee for Equal
Opportunity of Species took place in New Yarka Metelka and the Department
of Treasury was authorized to release 15M Absurd Franks from its coffers
in order to finance the purchase of 25 superhorny ants from New Mexico.
- 08 December 01: A long-awaited revolutionary invention marketed
by the code name THAT didn't live up to its expectations. The device,
which turned out to be a sophisticated wooden oven, burned down
during the presentation and is deemed to have little practical value.
- 21 August 01 : An editor-in-chief of a major free-thinking
journal was found yesterday at the city dump pondering how many badgers
could be simultaneously placed in a medium sized washtub. He was immediately
arrested and cited for improper thinking.
- 02 July 01: It is well known that human brain uses only
10% of its mental capacity. Have you ever wondered what the remaining
part of your brain is thinking? Well, we have the answer for you. An
alternative psychologist Pao C'Kai from the uranium lab of the Institute
of Retarded Studies seems to have found the answer. According to his
latest paper, the remaining 90% of the brain occupies itself with
the question "What the hell is the remaining 90% of the brain good for?".
- 09 June 01: Joseph Trigg of New Yarka Metelka tried to make a
withdrawal at the First National Sperm Bank of Absurdistan. The bank refused
the transaction and is sued for damages and emotional stress.
Mr. Trigg stated that he had
made a certified deposit of more than
3 billion sperms over the past 3 years.
As a result of this action, some banks are now issuing sperm checks that may
be exchanged during the intercourse in lieu of the actual sperm.
- 29 May 01 : The spokeswoman of the chemical plant in northern
Kocourkov announced that their research division is making a significant
progress towards development of "warm snow" that should be commercially
available next spring. The estimated cost is of the order of
250 AF/galon, so get your skis, shorts and plenty of sun lotion ready.
On the darker side, one of the inventors of the
"warm snow", professor Ikisawa got scalded during the skiing tests and
was hospitalized with 87th degree burns. Apparently, the snow needs to chill
off a little bit before it can be safely distributed to mountain slopes.
- 12 May 01 : The opening night for the first silent musical
"Pickles of Wrath" was set to Dec 11 this year. The musical will be staged
at the Hubert Theatre on Narrowway and tickets can be obtained at your local
pharmacist, together with a complimentary set of ear-plugs.
- 11 March 01 : A team of researchers from the biology department of
the University of Absurdistan came to a conclusion that human race is a failure
and that it is going to be necessary to repeat the evolutionary process from
the scratch. The biologists have
bought a herd of about 45 apes and are keeping them
in the departmental lounge under strictly controlled physical conditions.
In about 25-30 million years the monkeys should mature into a new generation
of human beings that won't be envious, greedy, cynical and just plain stupid.
It is also hoped that the new human species won't develop
the professional wrestling, fast food and "Beverly Hills 90210".
- 11 November 00 : Several thousands of registered voters
in the Weird Country submitted a petition asking for a revote in
municipal elections held this week. Angry voters apparently ate their
ballots instead of throwing them into clearly marked boxes.
- 10 September 00 : Emergency Broadcast Council Board in New
Yarka Metelka has just released the following travel advisory for all
citizens and tourists visiting the Weird County: "Long skirts
and cardigan vests are out this
Fall. Please, wear them only in case of emergencies and at your own risk".
- 25 August 00 : After inadvertently seeing the American
presidential candidates on an international newsweek channel,
a 70 years old dowager from lower Weird County
went on a shooting spree with a squirt gun, spraying 17 people including
2 children. She were expeditiously hospitalized in an unstable condition
and for a small fee of 290000 absurd franks can be watched
in a showroom of Joe Shmoe's Laxative Memorial Hospital.
- 11 August 00 : Jorg Bjornby, 29, a man born with two senses
of humor asked for a surgical removal of the bigger one on the grounds that
this psychological abnormality interferes with his funeral home business.
- 06 August 00 : After three months of intensive deliberations,
the Immigration and Naturalization Commission of the Absurd Parliament
decided to introduce a new category of legal aliens - "the Legal Elian".
Any candidate for this status must be at most 7 years old
and have at least 25% news coverage
on major absurd networks.
- 20 June 00 : The National Institute for Second Guessing has
released the results of
a poll on what our schoolkids want to be when they grow up.
Of more than 2300 surveyed children, 63% answered that they want to
- 18 June 00 : Marauding gangs are politely asked to wipe
their feet before entering houses in Absurdistan.
- 31 March 00 : Absurdistan Federal Reserve Chairman, Alan Redspan,
seems to have disappeared somewhere in the Inflation Mountains region of
northern Weird County. He was last seen on March 12 at a railway station
near New Yarka Metelka wearing ostensibly green outfit and a trendy backpack.
His wife confirmed that he indeed had gotten
out on one of his famous Interest Rate Hikes but hadn't returned yet.
- 11 March 00 : Soloist of the Absurdistan State Opera and one of
the most famous tenorist of our time, Josse Charapiglianni, was arrested last
week for attempted theft of a special edition of the Dairy Products
International Catalog. Charapiglianni was spotted by an attentive
police officer from a window of
an airplane landing in a nearby airfield. After he was booked for
grand theft catalog, Charapiglianni confessed to the crime, blaming
it on numerous traumatic experiences from his childhood, such as watching
his aunt Kleopatra taking shower with assorted auto-parts,
getting repeatedly lost on his grand
father's cow farm and being once bitten by an oversized crocodile.
- 09 February 00 : Absurdistan's most popular radio host and
coinventor of armpit deodorant, Howard
Bow, will present his critically acclaimed programme "The World's Funniest
Skidding Noises" tonight at 9pm. Tune in to WHYP.
- 21 January 00 : The millenium bug mystery finally solved.
If you wonder what caused the smooth transition of the world's computer
networks into the new millenium, wonder no more. After a tip from an
anonymous caller, Absurdistan State Police found the bug squished in the
tire track of New Jarka Metelka's citizen Roger D., who subsequently
admitted that he ran the bug over on his way from a sports bar on December
28th. Hey, who said that watching sports isn't beneficial?
- 04 December 99 : The Onion Union became 476th registered political
party in Absurdistan. The OU is determined to represent and stand for the
interests of onions throughout Absurdistan, to ensure that onions have equal
ingredient opportunity in the kitchen and to oversee the peeling procedures
in public restaurants to prevent attrocities, molestation and sexual
harrasment during this process. According to the party's spokesonion,
"the most urgent point on its agenda is
winning majority in the veggie section of the Absurd Parliament's larder."
- 27 November 99 : The Supreme Court of Absurdistan has ruled
that plastic containers cannot be kept as pets.
- 12 November 99 : Jeans with remotely controlled zipper became
the hit of this year's holiday season. The remote control is a small plastic
box that comfortably fits in an average handbag and would surely make a nice
present for your wife.
- 29 October 99 : Bob Nudgy, the Meddling Secretary of
the Department of Poking Noses Into Someone Elses's Affairs sent a diplomatic
note to the US Ambassador in Absurdistan, protesting the discrimination against
white basketball players in the American NBA. Mr Nudgy asserts that there
is no reason to assume that one race should be more apt to play basketball
than the other and demanded that, in the future, NBA set up quotas mandating
certain percentages of white_men_who_can_jump on each NBA team. According
to the spokesman of the Department, a similar
action is soon expected on behalf of Asian-American players, who are
misrepresented even more blatantly. The note ends with his exclamation:"All
races were created equal and thus are equally endowed to play basketball!"
- 22 October 99 : Politically Correct Electronics Corporation
began the production and marketing of their new product - tentatively
called a "walkwoman". According to the PCEC's spokesperson, in the future
every walkman womanufactured in Absurdistan
will have to be accompanied by a walkwoman. Womandatorily!
- 19 September 99 : Yesterday's Miss Absurdistan pageant was
yet another megalomaniac sterile supershow, lacking spontaneity and
personal touch. In the predictable finale the crown descended upon
the football head of Miss Grumpy Plumpy, the mutant victim of drinking too
much toxic waste in her spare time. The worst of all - all the runners-up were
cheering her as if they won themselves. Hey, isn't it time to stop this fake
happiness and just be yourselves? Come on, there is nothing wrong with being
a little sad. That shouldn't prevent you from graciously congratulating
the winner. But on the bright side - next month will bring us the
Miss Canned Fish pageant, so maybe, just maybe we'll see some fun after all.
And if we get lucky, the fish will know how to walk.
- 11 September 99 : "Bring your own teeth" - the Absurdistan
largest toothpick rental chain filed for bankruptcy three years ago.
- 09 July 99 : A group of Absurdistan's speculators made a
remarkable deal on New York Live Stock Exchange last month, when they bought
about 15 tons of dogs for $.03 per pound. More than
1/3 of the world's supply of dogs is now being controlled by
the Absurd Animal Fund Holding Inc.
and that includes pets of President Clinton, Jay Leno, Gwyneth Paltrow,
and the spokesperson of Taco Bell. All the dogs are supposed to be sold
to members of an Eskymo tribe Wuahua for $1.35 per pound, thus injecting
millions of Absurd Franks into the coughing national economy.
- 02 June 99 : The first brick was successfully cloned at the
Institute of Retarded Studies, Dept. of Biobricklaying.
The brick named Brigadier Joseph Lorry junior is doing just fine.
goes as planned, once in the future there will be houses made out of
completely identical rectangular bricks that will supersede
the currently used breed of highly
personalized bricks that usually come in the form of three-headed ducks.
According to the head of the research team, next in line for cloning
- 29 May 99 : After a wave of residential complaints about noise,
all Absurdistan's airports were forced to put speedbumps
on their runways to enforce the 35mph speed limits.
- 15 April 99 : Have you filed your tacks return yet?
We would like to remind our readers that all unused tacks purchased
at your local Office Depot during the fiscal year 1998 have to be returned
to the federal government by 12:00am tonight, preferably in an amply padded
envelope. Persons setting up extended noticeboards tomorrow may ask for
a tacks credit and keep up to 50 tacks before the Office Depot stores reopen.
- 07 April 99 : Miss Denise Trubham is suing the TV station
WKBH for broadcasting programs that significantly lowered her IQ.
estimated the damages resulting from her watching the infamous
daytime television at AF 5,000,000, payable in five yearly installments
of medium size burgers. Miss Trubham claims that the lowered IQ prevented
her from getting a decent job, while her busy TV watching schedule didn't
allow her to look for an adequate husband. This trial sets a dangerous
precedent for hundreds of compulsive TV viewers, who may blame their
failure stories on TV stations. As a precaution, the Absurdistan's
Department of Justice has asked the United States for a shipment of about
five tons of first rate lawyers to handle a possible barrage of similar cases.
The general public has been moved by Miss Trubham's story
though, and is sending
her hundreds of gifts, ranging from books to recreational sports gear.
The British Association of Retired Clowns even donated 85 gallons of
used motor oil to dump her TV into.
- 11 March 99 : On Tuesday, Mrs. Trombone was cited for jogging
over the posted speed limit. The police investigation revealed that
Mrs. Trombone was jogging under the influence of a six-pack of wolves.
The JUI charges were not pressed yet.
- 23 February 99 : The House Judiciary Committee unanimously agreed
that penguins cannot be senators. Not to violate local laws on the
"More-or-less Equal Opportunity Employment", the committee acknowledged
that penguins are well suited for towing bricks, pushing cardboard boxes
off the cliff and testing new explosives.
- 14 February 99 : In the main event of last week's slug races,
50 yards with hurdles downhill, a new Absurdistan record was set. The popular
and relatively still very young slug "Slimey" rocketed past the finish
line in mere 94 hours, 12 minutes and 34.32 seconds, improving its
own record by .09 seconds. The sport manager of several rival slugs accused
Slimey of taking some forbidden anabolics and insisted on its
disqualification. Slimey's personal trainer and spokesman Joe Gargoyle
pooh-poohed these claims and maintained that Slimey's success was a result
of its hard work, the revolutionary new crawling techniques and the usage
of Pennzoil as a lubricant. The winner took
250,000,000,000,000 Absurd Franks, more than 60% of Absurdistan's Gross
- 05 February 99 : The rabbit population in Southern Absurdistan
is exploding. Chief Veterinary Inspector informed us that most rabbits
will be invited to the Pierre de Fair elementary school for a workshop on
how to grasp the concept of time. This will allow them to keep track of
female rabbits' periods and therefore be inducive to a good family planning.
Some uneducated rabbits may also be issued a court order mandating the use of
condoms during the intercourse.
- 20 January 99 :
The president's personal gardener, Jimmy Bramborka,
was impeached for picking his nose on the premises and subsequently
lying about it. After squandering 300,000 AF of taxpayer's money,
the 8 month intensive investigation of the dependent councellor Ken Nosey
discovered 2 medium sized boogers half-buried in the rose garden.
Pictures of the boogers are going to be presented to members of
the parliament later this month.
- 22 December 98 :
Meteorologists confirmed that there is a 45% chance that
there will be a Christmas on Dec 25 this year. Let's keep our fingers crossed.
- 04 December 98 : The biggest manufacturer of consumer electronics,
Phony Tectronix Ltd., will be shipping its first models of
video-players/toasters just after the Christmas holidays. This new
electronic toy, tentatively called "Double Jeopardy" has a 30 in. TV screen
and two slots. One for video tapes and one for slices of bread. Later this
year, Phony is planning to introduce a FAX that will be capable of transmitting
hamburgers. The FAX is promised to be fully compatible with
- 01 December 98 :
in Absurdistan was discovered last week at the southern
tip of the Euclidean Plain.
The skeleton consists of 12 bones, 97 fragments of bones and a wig. Its age
was estimated between 50 and 250 000 000 years.
- 20 November 98 : An international terrorist, Samba del
Monte Carlo Cicci, has hijacked a video system on an Absurd Airlines
flight 322 from Hradec to North Pole. Sources say that approximately
20 minutes after the 727 took off, Samba Cicci burst into the cabin,
demanding that the current video presentation of "Autumn in New York"
be immediately replaced with "Rambo III." No casualties were reported.
After the presentation, however, three elderly passengers were treated
in a nearby hospital for stomach sickness and a mild rash.
- 14 November 98 :
Due to unknown circumstances a 6-pack of beer cans
in a refrigerator of Mr. Boutch from South Kocourkov acquired awareness
and became a new life-form in this part of the Universe. The six-pack
call themselves Joey, Booey, Frank, Lickey, Tom and Peter. The last one,
Peter, however, requires a sex change operation and wants to become the first
beeress in the history of beer related life-forms. If the operation is
successful, its name will be Pietra de Boutch.
It claims that as a beeress
it would be better equipped to overcome its claustrophobia and its
irrational fear of manicure. Meanwhile Tom got a Heineken tattoo, Frank
applied for a driver's license so it could drive its lawn-mower to work
and Booey won a local bubbling contest. Lickey, on the other hand, was stabbed
by an undisclosed knife and lost some of its beer. On a similar note, Joey
was caught in mens lockers in a compromising position with a can opener. The
only mitigating circumstance was that due to its open mind it didn't resist
the citizen's arrest made by a local janitor.
- 09 November 98 : Absurdistan's most famous ballet dancer Jelena
Primakova changed her mind and became a free-lance butcher.
- 04 November 98 : Two pounds of swiss cheese violated the law of
universal gravity when they fell from a shelf upwards. The cheese was
also cited for accelerating faster than the local a=F/m law allows.
The hearing was scheduled for the day before yesterday. We'll bring you
the news once it gets old enough.
- 01 November 98 : A telephone directory was kidnapped from a
telephone booth in front of Taco Hell on 43rd. The officials of AP&P
did not receive any ransom notes yet.
- 31 October 98 : Dr. Lyndsay Piffkin claims to have discovered
a woman with 57 erogeneous zones. While he keeps the name of the lucky girl
secret he admitted that he is capable of stimulating 53 of them, while the
remaining four are still somewhat a mystery to him. Currently, he is
trying to unlock their mechanism of stimulation by applying localised
pressure to their expected positions.
- 29 October 98 : An autopilot of Absurd Airlines crashed and
died two weeks ago, being suffocated by a protective foam.
Fortunately, no one else was on board.
- 28 October 98 : New Yarka Metelka Medical Clinic is going to introduce
a new model of a scythe that is eventually going to replace a rather
old-fashioned scalpel. New scythes are supposed to be more sanitary than
the old models thanks to an elongated handle that should prevent surgeons
from breathing directly into patient's wounds.
- 11 October 98 :
On Sunday, Miss Sarah Danielson found a new life.
To her great surprise, she found it in a brown paperbag, lying quietly,
together with an unfinished hamburger and a left handed hedgehog, in
one of the dark corners of the parking lot
in front of the Grizzley's.
The hedgehog didn't have any idea how he got in there.
Upon her lucky discovery, Miss Danielson quit her job, sold her car
and was found two days later in the city park, heavily intoxicated with
- 25 September 98 :
The greatest collection of umbilical cords was sold
last month at the Annual Weird County Jail Auction for 230,000AF. The identity
of the new owner of the 1500 piece collection was not disclosed.
- 23 September 98 :
A week ago, a respectable citizen Mr. Kane reported
that a cucumber broke into his house and tried to strangle his dog. Mr. Kane
remarked that the dog, named Sissy, is a very special one since it thinks it
is Vincent van Gogh. An incident was investigated by the Cucumber Police but
no traces of an intruder were found. Two days after the break-in, Sissy jumped
off the highway overpass and shattered to death. Sheriff Dailey confirmed the
rumors that Sissy was made out of porcelain and that its parachute failed to
open on impact. The Absurd Association of Cucumber Vendors protested against
attempts to put these two incidents into any sort of causal relation.
- 17 September 98 :
Absurdistan's breeding is at its best. A month ago,
private breeder Joel P. was able to cross-breed a cat that looks like a cat
but barks. This fine achievement was topped last week when his brother
Jeremy P. shocked the judges at the semi-annual weird breeding contest by
presenting a cat that not only barks like a dog,
but also looks like a dog. A cat was
- 12 September 98 : Two urinals were found
rolling down the hill from
Red Woods High School. The urinals caused a minor accident at the intersection
of Cherry St. and Red Woods Rd. where they failed to yield the right of way
to a passing truck. No injuries were reported. Principal Failey confirmed
that the urinals were among the worst in their class and were subsequently
put on probation.
- 09 September 98 :
After a couple of weeks of trying, Mr. Alan Garcia
finally managed to dump his old piano into the ocean. He was reported dragging
the piano along the beach together with his wife Edna and finally pushing in
into the ocean on a deserted stretch of the shore. Few days later, Mr. Jobson
visited the same place with rather obscure suicidal intentions. Apparently,
he heard some faint jazz-like sounds amidst an uproar of surging waves and,
almost against his will, his bad mood disappeared almost instantly.
As of the time of this writing, Mr. Jobson is still alive.
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