There are no tourist visas for Absurdistan. Thus the only way
how to get in is to (or at least pretend to) do business.
Rule #1 for all your deals in Absurdistan is:
Never be polite. Politeness is considered a bad manner.
If you run across companies, firms, corporations, agencies
or government officials that deal with you
politely, fairly and/or with respect, you are supposed to report
them to the closest
Worse Business Bureau.
Despite its rude protocol,
the business in Absurdistan is booming and the dynamics of
Absurd Economy is twice as fast as that of Asian tigers
before they fell asleep. For this reason,
there are many people trying to establish business connection in Absurdistan
or even become Absurdistan's citizens, permanent residents (holders of
the so caled "blue card") or "visa givees". Even though this
is very difficult to achieve (there are only 81 working
visas granted every absurd
year plus 27 "blue cards" won in the so called "blue card lottery"),
relatively easily obtain the status of a "visiting scholar", "visiting peddler",
"visiting businessman", "visiting umbrella-expert",
or "visiting uncle". Due to the recent demand for extraordinary pets,
many people are let into the country as "Independent Hedgehog Dealers"
The main difference between visas (incl. IHD) and visitor's status
is that visas are permanent, while visitors are granted permission to
stay in Absurdistan only for 9 months and then are kicked out of the country
by His Extraordinary Majesty, the Supreme Secretary of Soccer.
It is always important to
keep in mind that the Absurdistan's pecking order is as follows:
It should be observed under any circumstances, in particular when giving
the right of way to enter a steaming hot-tub.
- members of the ruling Absurd Party
- "blue card" holders
- working visa holders
- IHD visa holders
- visitors (scholars, peddlers, businessmen, umbrella-experts and uncles)
- legal aliens
- illegal aliens
- readers of this page
- other lifeforms
- other matter
As a non-citizen you are supposed to be politically correct (without Bill
Maher). In particular, when speaking about objects that do not have a
definite gender, you have to refer to these objects as "he/she/it", as in
"A student at UAbs cannot do what he/she/it pleases. It is his/her/its
responsibility to memorize the University Code." This rule was adopted
after a huge wave of protests from several dolphin activists
10% of Absurdistan's population) who claimed
that matriculated dolphins were offended
by the usage of "his/her" convention.
Failure by non-citizens to observe this rule
may result in a derogatory note in your passport and, in case of a
repeated offence, in burning your passport (note that
in some counties the passport
is burnt together with its holder).
To help you navigate thru Absurdistan's soaring economy, here is
a list of the biggest companies you may contact,
followed by the list of job opportunities, instructions how to get visas
and the price index to help you estimate your living
Companies with over 3482 Employees
Worst tires in Absurdistan. If you don't get a flat tire within 6 months
from the purchase date - your money back. Their latest hit are "prepunctured
tires". What else would you ask for?
The First Cryogenic Bank of Absurdistan
Are you wondering what is the best way to save some money?
Put them in the refrigerator. That's essentially what they do
with them at the FCBA. Don't miss the opportunity to hear
your money crunch.
The fact that werewolves are the most popular pets in Absurdistan
almost caused their extinction. Today, werewolves are on the list
of endangered species and their population is carefully monitored.
No wonder that companies producing plush werewolves
are having an unprecedented boom. But, as you may guess, you have
to do the howling.
Absurdistan major Internet Service Denier. Using the state-of-the-art
laser weapons, they are capable to deny Internet access even to the most
addicted Internet junkies. They also offer trips to the real reality
and numerous evening classes, such as "Living in the 3D world", "Elementary
field flowers" or "TV - your old friend".
Absurdistan biggest slow food chain. You are guaranteed to wait at least
4 hours for your meal. Actually, at the time you make your order, some
vegetables are probably, as a result of your order,
just being planted at chain's gardens. Also for an extra fee you may
ask that the desert is being flown to you from an arbitrary place on the Earth.
And finally, if you spot any staff member
moving faster than 25 inches/min. you are
entitled to a free meal.
An electronic gigant specializing in disassembling various devices that
are being grown in southern Absurdistan, a place famous for its huge orchards
of TV-trees, stereo-trees and phone-trees. Every fall the orchards are
flooded with pony carts full of harvesters who carefully pick the ripe devices
off the trees and transport them to PHONY
factories where these are disassembled
into parts and sent to the market. Some are even exported to Japan.
Absurdistan Pigeons and Telephones. Communication conglomerate having control
over 97% of Absurdistan's Networks. They are working hard on being as expensive
as possible, with their slogan being: "the more you call, the more you waste".
They offer special wasting plan to specified countries plus their
pigeons are known for their ability to get lost on a route within the same
The largest software producer in Absurdistan. Their software is at least
40% less effective than that of competition and frequent use of
Microhard products may lead to a hard disk crash near Roswell, NM.
Should that not happen,
Microhard has a 24 hr consumer service, which - at your request -
sends a serviceman to your
home and he crashes your hard disk with a large hammer.
Sauna chain. Enough said.
Absurdistan largest beer brewery. It is worth mentioning that in Absurdistan
beer is used primarily as a coolant in huge heat exchangers surrounding
its capital Ejsi, DC. AB's revenue is therefore one of the largest in
the nation and part of it is used for sponsoring the
Nation's largest submarine rental company. The rates are from 800AF/day for
a personal submarine to 400,000AF/day for a nuclear submarine with a crew
trained in the United States. If you don't swim, you also have to purchase
an insurance and a chain saw.
All the submarines have automatic pumping and, if filled with
helium, can be used as blimps. Some of them are even safe.
And don't forget that they rent coffins too.
| JOB OPPORTUNITIES
|| age limit
|| Worse Business Bureau
|| 5 AF/mo.
| link manager
|| 09 - 197
|| Info Jungle
|| 2,700 AF/mo.
| charts editor
|| 25 - 45
|| La Fionco NP
|| 7,900 AF/mo.
Persons interested in any of these vacancies should contact our
Human Resources Dept.
Requirements for obtaining VISA/Visitor's Status
You may be granted a visa or visitor's status if at least 9 of the
following 11 items are submitted to your local Absurdistan Embassy on
a full moon.
And while you are getting ready for your big move,
here is nine DOs and DON'Ts of a good absurd entrepreneur...
- A check for 200AF made out to the Treasurer of Absurdistan
- Complete list of illnesses of all your family members (incl. colds)
- Sample of your hair (not to exceed 9 grams)
- Your dog's social security card
- Certificate that you took sanity shots
- Photograph of your left leg (the rest of your body must be retouched)
- A novel (at least 2300 pages) written by you or by your dog
- 3 letters of recommendation from independent psychiatrists
- A brick
- Complete set of your toeprints
- 3 pictures of Marylin Monroe signed to you or to your dog
1. Pouring tea into someone's lap is a good way how to start negotiations
2. During negotiations repeat "That's disgusting" periodically.
3. After a deal is made, physically attack your partner with a dictionary.
4. Never open your business on time.
5. Do not keep any records, except Louis Armstrong's
6. When dealing with UN member states, charge an extra 450%
7. Agreements are binding only on Tuesdays (unless they are holidays)
8. Your pet is allowed to act on your behalf in legal matters
9. Do not start any business without visas or visitor's permit
...and for your
inconvenience we have also included some gibberish:
10. Collinsovo provedeni pisne The Times They Are a Changin' je pozoruhodne
11. CJ feels like a wall which should be written upon
12. Den som vi gjemmer for natta gjemmer for katta
13. (sorry, no messages)
14. Vy to porad jeste ctete? Jdete se uz konecne bodnout...
IMPORTANT PHONE NUMBERS IN ABSURDISTAN
Earth Embassy: 7-9072
Visitor's Center: 3-4619
Worse Business Bureau: 4-9918
Weather Report: 3-6765
Absurdistan Times Nine: 6-6837
UFO Sightings: 5-7243
Road Conditions: 2-4582
Exchange Rates & Price Index
The Absurd Frank can be currently
converted to any of the following currencies:
|Currency exchange table
||100 AF =
Here are prices of some common goods and services in Absurdistan:
A horse - 75,000AF
A couch - 15,000AF
A loaf of bread - 120AF
A jacket - 490AF
A TV set - 9,000AF
A can of Pepsi - 110,000AF
A haircut - 700AF
An umbrella - 6,000AF
A 5BR/9BA house - 20,000AF
A book - 50AF
A blimp - 5,000AF
When bargaining you are expected to try to push the price UP (when buying)
and DOWN (when selling).
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