There are no tourist visas for Absurdistan. Thus the only way how to get in is to (or at least pretend to) do business. Rule #1 for all your deals in Absurdistan is: Never be polite. Politeness is considered a bad manner. If you run across companies, firms, corporations, agencies or government officials that deal with you politely, fairly and/or with respect, you are supposed to report them to the closest Worse Business Bureau.

Despite its rude protocol, the business in Absurdistan is booming and the dynamics of Absurd Economy is twice as fast as that of Asian tigers before they fell asleep. For this reason, there are many people trying to establish business connection in Absurdistan or even become Absurdistan's citizens, permanent residents (holders of the so caled "blue card") or "visa givees". Even though this is very difficult to achieve (there are only 81 working visas granted every absurd year plus 27 "blue cards" won in the so called "blue card lottery"), you may relatively easily obtain the status of a "visiting scholar", "visiting peddler", "visiting businessman", "visiting umbrella-expert", or "visiting uncle". Due to the recent demand for extraordinary pets, many people are let into the country as "Independent Hedgehog Dealers" (IHD visas). The main difference between visas (incl. IHD) and visitor's status is that visas are permanent, while visitors are granted permission to stay in Absurdistan only for 9 months and then are kicked out of the country by His Extraordinary Majesty, the Supreme Secretary of Soccer. It is always important to keep in mind that the Absurdistan's pecking order is as follows:

It should be observed under any circumstances, in particular when giving the right of way to enter a steaming hot-tub.

Friendly warning: As a non-citizen you are supposed to be politically correct (without Bill Maher). In particular, when speaking about objects that do not have a definite gender, you have to refer to these objects as "he/she/it", as in "A student at UAbs cannot do what he/she/it pleases. It is his/her/its responsibility to memorize the University Code." This rule was adopted after a huge wave of protests from several dolphin activists (dolphins constitute 10% of Absurdistan's population) who claimed that matriculated dolphins were offended by the usage of "his/her" convention. Failure by non-citizens to observe this rule may result in a derogatory note in your passport and, in case of a repeated offence, in burning your passport (note that in some counties the passport is burnt together with its holder).

To help you navigate thru Absurdistan's soaring economy, here is a list of the biggest companies you may contact, followed by the list of job opportunities, instructions how to get visas and the price index to help you estimate your living expenses.

Companies with over 3482 Employees

position age limit location salary
sponsor 34-101 Worse Business Bureau 5 AF/mo.
link manager 09 - 197 Info Jungle 2,700 AF/mo.
charts editor 25 - 45 La Fionco NP 7,900 AF/mo.

Persons interested in any of these vacancies should contact our Human Resources Dept.

Requirements for obtaining VISA/Visitor's Status

You may be granted a visa or visitor's status if at least 9 of the following 11 items are submitted to your local Absurdistan Embassy on a full moon. And while you are getting ready for your big move, here is nine DOs and DON'Ts of a good absurd entrepreneur...

1. Pouring tea into someone's lap is a good way how to start negotiations
2. During negotiations repeat "That's disgusting" periodically.
3. After a deal is made, physically attack your partner with a dictionary.
4. Never open your business on time.
5. Do not keep any records, except Louis Armstrong's
6. When dealing with UN member states, charge an extra 450%
7. Agreements are binding only on Tuesdays (unless they are holidays)
8. Your pet is allowed to act on your behalf in legal matters
9. Do not start any business without visas or visitor's permit

...and for your inconvenience we have also included some gibberish:

10. Collinsovo provedeni pisne The Times They Are a Changin' je pozoruhodne
11. CJ feels like a wall which should be written upon
12. Den som vi gjemmer for natta gjemmer for katta
13. (sorry, no messages)
14. Vy to porad jeste ctete? Jdete se uz konecne bodnout...


Earth Embassy:          7-9072 
Visitor's Center: 3-4619
Worse Business Bureau: 4-9918
Weather Report: 3-6765
Rent-a-Sub: 2-7001
Absurdistan Times Nine: 6-6837
UFO Sightings: 5-7243
Road Conditions: 2-4582
Emergencies: 3-4349-4112-3428-5652-9330-7710-0214

Exchange Rates & Price Index

The Absurd Frank can be currently converted to any of the following currencies:

Currency exchange table 100 AF =
Austrian Schilling 9.98
Czech Koruna 14.09
Norwegian Krone 4.57
US Dollar 1.17
Venezuelan Bolivar 129.55

Here are prices of some common goods and services in Absurdistan:

A horse - 75,000AF
A couch - 15,000AF
A loaf of bread - 120AF
A jacket - 490AF
A TV set - 9,000AF
A can of Pepsi - 110,000AF
A haircut - 700AF
An umbrella - 6,000AF
A 5BR/9BA house - 20,000AF
A book - 50AF
A blimp - 5,000AF

Bargaining Rule: When bargaining you are expected to try to push the price UP (when buying) and DOWN (when selling).

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