Oops - this is not Ejsi, DC.
But at least we are right behind the city wall.
Well, it turned out that to actually enter Ejsi, DC we'd need either
a password or a squad of top-notch explosion experts.
As is well-known in Absurdistan, Ejsi is the most secret city in the world,
being under strict control of the Absurd Party. To an astrophysicist, Ejsi
might resemble a black hole in a perversely deep silent period.
Information can get in but can't get out. And
neither can people, dogs, saxophones, soup cans, parsley, sheep and
large convoys of Potato-Laden Inter-Galactic Humanitary Needlework SpaceShips.
Fortunately, the password is hidden somewhere in Absurdistan and our search
party is looking for it day and night, except for major holidays,
so the chances are that within
a few geological eras
we'll be able to bring you the news from Ejsi, DC directly.
Till then, we can only present some hearsay and what we found on a scrap of
newspaper lying near the city wall. If that bothers you, please, file a
complaint at the nearest absurd Embarassy.
- Ejsi has the biggest underground airport in the world. For security reasons
the whole airport complex is deep below the ground and only the runway
exits and entrances are connected to the surface through narrow tunnels.
It is needless to say that navigation in such conditions is quite difficult
and some airlines (actually all of them) refuse to connect Ejsi with the
rest of the outside world.
- Ejsi's newspaper "Nejsi Ejsi" has the biggest
circulation in the world. Unfortunately,
nobody in Ejsi knows where newsstands are since their location is considered
to be of utmost strategic importance. Hence even in Ejsi itself, if you
ever make it there, you can't get
hold of its popular newspaper. Legend has it that the whole batch is dumped
every day, together with unsold boxes of
ultrathin underwear and leaflets giving directions to the city dump.
- The most popular sport in Ejsi is Ice Hockey. All the matches,
however, are played
in complete darkness so nobody can divulge the course of the game
to the outside world.
Even the players
and referees have no idea what the score is and after each match there is
a big shoot-out between the players about the result. The final score of
each team is
usually inversely proportional to the number of their shot-wounds
and is communicated only to Party Headquarters using blind-folded mail pigeons,
guarded by two armored helicopters. In addition to it, the spectators,
when they exit the stadium, must sign an affidavit that they are not going
to report any strange noises, echos of puck bounces or other indications
of the score to the media or other citizens.
- For security reasons, the hotel rooms in Ejsi don't have any markings on
them, so if you are staying overnight, make sure you remember the exact
position of your room on a given floor. As they say in Absurdistan, "politics
and Ejsi's hotels make strange bedfellows".
- Ejsi is so secret that
if you ask for its street map anywhere in Absurdistan you'll get a
blank sheet of paper instead. That way the Party makes sure that nobody
can figure out where all its "goodies" are.
Some say (jokingly) that the Ejsi DC City Map is the world's
most published city map since any time a clean sheet of paper is produced
in any paper mill - one more Ejsi City Map is effectively
being printed. And that's a lot.
- Ejsi is a paradise for school kids. In any subject the phrase "that's
a secret" is considered to be the only right answer.
Of course, under such circumstances
the kids in Absurdistan have the highest grade point average in the world.
- In Ejsi, DC you need a special clearance to walk backward even if you
are a registered pet raccoon and noone sees you. Don't let the secret police
Here is what we retrieved from a scrap of Ejsi's only newspaper "Nejsi Ejsi".
- The Party Complex in Ejsi was visited by a high official of an undisclosed
superpower. The dignitary held secret talks with our Party representatives,
their wives and parrots.
At the press conference the Party spokesman said that the results of the
talks are encouraging and positive, except for those which were discouraging
and negative. The official, who was gagged for the
duration of the press conference, did not say
anything at all and seemed fully occupied with trying to smuggle
a little breath
into his lungs here and there, primarily through his nose.
His identity is still unknown, since his face was blocked from cameras by
a large blue mattress with yellow polka dots. Our forensic experts say,
however, that his shoes looked like they were made in Italy.
- Yesterday in the late hours an unfortunate accident happened on the
Round Square. An unidentified Party member was taking his regular evening
walk, when he was attacked by a vicious dog. The Party member suffered serious
bite injuries and is currently hospitalised in stable condition. The attacker
turned out to be a secret cat "Minda" who was disguised as a German shepherd.
The possible wrong doing on the part of the owner of the cat is under
- Movies for this week:
- The Secret Life of Walter Mitty (1947)
- On Her Majesty's Secret Service (1969)
- Top Secret! (1984)
- Yesterday, certain Chinese entrepreneurs announced the opening of a new
restaurant "Chinese Secret" on the Hidden Avenue. The restaurant has a secret
entrance for Party members and offers many specialties of a certain
oriental cuisine. We are proud to
present here a secret recipe for the chef's favorite
dish "Clandestine meatballs" that was accidentally intercepted
by one of our intelligence satellites monitoring the pig-wig black market
operations in Central Asia: "take 20 pounds (or other units) of
unknown substances and add circa 150 kg of ...(censored)... Cover by a lid and
mix thoroughly. Check for spies in the room. If there are none, turn off the
light and add some forbidden fruit. Fumble about in the darkness for an oven
and when you find one, put everything surreptitiously
in it (including the cutlery, the recipe,
your personal documents and anything that may later identify you as the
preparer of the meal). When the crust of your social insecurity card is
lightly gold.....(censored)...and make sure no one sees you. If you are
confronted from behind the refrigerator, remember that opening the freezer
very quickly in the direction of confronter's head may have a temporary
blinding effect...(censored)...add some salt and the dish is ready to be
secretly served. Bon Appetit! ...and always remeber to give ketchup
where ketchup is due."
If you find any other pieces of "Nejsi Ejsi" let us know.
And don't use a paintbrush as a lollipop.
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