Department of Transportation
Now that you got safely into Absurdistan, it is time to think
about moving around and since there is only little public transportation
you'll be most of the time on your own.
There are 4 means of transportation in Absurdistan:
Bikes (no license required)
Blimps (a pilot needs a licence)
Submarines (a captain needs a licence)
Horse carriages (a horse needs a licence)
What you need to know about BIKES
Driving bikes is the easiest way how to move around in Absurdistan.
You have the right of way under all circumstances (even
over govermental horse carriages), except when you cross a path of
another biker. In that case the one on OLDER bike has the right of way.
If you are of thrifty nature,
you may want to know, however, that you can be fined for
the following traffic violations.
100AF - for riding without your underwear and/or undertear.
150AF - for making indecent gestures at members of the ruling party.
150AF - for playing musical instrument while riding.
200AF - for snowing.
250AF - for heavy snowing.
500AF - for having sexually explicit tatoos on your tires.
What you need to know about SUBMARINES
First thing to do is to get the SUBMARINE/BLIMP licence, i.e. take the test.
You are excused from taking the test only if one of the following applies
to you or to your dog:
In these 6 cases you are granted the licence automatically.
Otherwise you have to take both the written part and
the driving part. While you can take
the written part while being sober, for the driving test you need to consume
an equivalent of 1 dl (deciliter) of whisky 10 minutes before the test.
Do not open windows, doors, textbooks or eyes during the driving test.
- a. One of your relatives is a member of the ruling party.
- b. You can present a proof that you are mentally ill.
- c. You are either Beavis or Butt-head.
- d. You have 6 (or more) fingers on each hand.
- e. You are an alien, a Swiss cheese or a CEO.
- f. The IQ of your sofa exceeds 130 (in a shadow)
Once you have the licence, you start looking for a submarine. Even though
submarines are relatively inexpensive (a 2DR submarine with 4 booths
may cost you 3,400AF if it is new, 2,000AF if it is used and 1,000AF
if it leaks) it is recommended that you rent a submarine in one of
Absurdistan numerous rental agencies.
Finally, an important rule: Should two submarines meet at an
intersection, the right of way is determined by their color. The highest
priority is attributed to yellow submarines, then to blue ones, red, green,
white, black, brown and finally polka dots submarines. In case two
colliding submarines are of the same color, the one with an older
captain has the right of way. Please, have your birth certificates
What you need to know about BLIMPS
Not much. Once you have mastered the submarines, you are all set.
The written test for submarine licence is exactly identical to the one
for blimps and even the driving test is the same, except that
you take it while your submarine is suspended in the air
and being tossed around by a crane.
It is recommended that you vomit away from the examiner.
You can open the windows during the test.
Murphy: Falling Down for Dummies
Riggs: Applications of Dental Socialism in Higher Altitudes
Peters: Hanging out there
McFeal: Encyklopaedia of Undies, 3rd edition
Graham&Speck: Growing fungus at 37000 feet
What you need to know about HORSES
Horse carriages are the most popular means of transportation in
Absurdistan. Before you set out on your journey, you must make sure
that your horse has a pulling licence. If it doesn't, it is your responsibility
that it gets one. Horses do not take the written test, so it usually isn't a
big problem. Be advised, however, that any horse under 18 years of age must
bring a statement that it is emotionaly ready for pulling. The paper
should bear a
hoofprint of its parents (a mare is enough in Math and Czech Counties) and
must be certified by a sober public notary.
Horses taking the test are supposed to be well-groomed, rested and should
horse-shoes. The test consists of four tasks and must be completed
within 6 hours or within 5 hours, whichever is shorter.
Task 1: Avoiding potholes.
Task 2: Avoiding bikers.
Task 3: Avoiding other horses.
Task 4: Waiting for rain to stop.
Horses that are predictable, white, dirty, mentally ill, too smug, curly,
feisty, blinkered, divorced or excessively wet
are automatically disqualified. Horses that
resemble macaroni are disqualified too.
The Department of Transportation is an Equine Opportunity Employer.
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