Department of Transportation

Now that you got safely into Absurdistan, it is time to think about moving around and since there is only little public transportation you'll be most of the time on your own.

There are 4 means of transportation in Absurdistan:

Bikes (no license required)
Blimps (a pilot needs a licence)
Submarines (a captain needs a licence)
Horse carriages (a horse needs a licence)

What you need to know about BIKES

Driving bikes is the easiest way how to move around in Absurdistan. You have the right of way under all circumstances (even over govermental horse carriages), except when you cross a path of another biker. In that case the one on OLDER bike has the right of way. If you are of thrifty nature, you may want to know, however, that you can be fined for the following traffic violations.

100AF - for riding without your underwear and/or undertear.
150AF - for making indecent gestures at members of the ruling party.
150AF - for playing musical instrument while riding.
200AF - for snowing.
250AF - for heavy snowing.
500AF - for having sexually explicit tatoos on your tires.

What you need to know about SUBMARINES

First thing to do is to get the SUBMARINE/BLIMP licence, i.e. take the test. You are excused from taking the test only if one of the following applies to you or to your dog:

a. One of your relatives is a member of the ruling party.
b. You can present a proof that you are mentally ill.
c. You are either Beavis or Butt-head.
d. You have 6 (or more) fingers on each hand.
e. You are an alien, a Swiss cheese or a CEO.
f. The IQ of your sofa exceeds 130 (in a shadow)

In these 6 cases you are granted the licence automatically. Otherwise you have to take both the written part and the driving part. While you can take the written part while being sober, for the driving test you need to consume an equivalent of 1 dl (deciliter) of whisky 10 minutes before the test. Do not open windows, doors, textbooks or eyes during the driving test.

Once you have the licence, you start looking for a submarine. Even though submarines are relatively inexpensive (a 2DR submarine with 4 booths may cost you 3,400AF if it is new, 2,000AF if it is used and 1,000AF if it leaks) it is recommended that you rent a submarine in one of Absurdistan numerous rental agencies.

Finally, an important rule: Should two submarines meet at an intersection, the right of way is determined by their color. The highest priority is attributed to yellow submarines, then to blue ones, red, green, white, black, brown and finally polka dots submarines. In case two colliding submarines are of the same color, the one with an older captain has the right of way. Please, have your birth certificates ready.

What you need to know about BLIMPS

Not much. Once you have mastered the submarines, you are all set. The written test for submarine licence is exactly identical to the one for blimps and even the driving test is the same, except that you take it while your submarine is suspended in the air and being tossed around by a crane. It is recommended that you vomit away from the examiner. You can open the windows during the test.

Suggested reading:
Murphy: Falling Down for Dummies
Riggs: Applications of Dental Socialism in Higher Altitudes
Peters: Hanging out there
McFeal: Encyklopaedia of Undies, 3rd edition
Graham&Speck: Growing fungus at 37000 feet

What you need to know about HORSES

Horse carriages are the most popular means of transportation in Absurdistan. Before you set out on your journey, you must make sure that your horse has a pulling licence. If it doesn't, it is your responsibility that it gets one. Horses do not take the written test, so it usually isn't a big problem. Be advised, however, that any horse under 18 years of age must bring a statement that it is emotionaly ready for pulling. The paper should bear a hoofprint of its parents (a mare is enough in Math and Czech Counties) and must be certified by a sober public notary.

Horses taking the test are supposed to be well-groomed, rested and should have polished horse-shoes. The test consists of four tasks and must be completed within 6 hours or within 5 hours, whichever is shorter.
Task 1: Avoiding potholes.
Task 2: Avoiding bikers.
Task 3: Avoiding other horses.
Task 4: Waiting for rain to stop.

Horses that are predictable, white, dirty, mentally ill, too smug, curly, feisty, blinkered, divorced or excessively wet are automatically disqualified. Horses that resemble macaroni are disqualified too.

The Department of Transportation is an Equine Opportunity Employer.

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