Cimrman's answers

> From: Damian Wargo > Subject: A call for international perspectives > > > I would appreciate it if you could respond to the following questions. I > am very interested in how people in other countries view mathematics. > > 1. Name Jara Cimrman > 2. Occupation Physicist, K-12 Teacher, Playwright, Philosopher, Dental Hygienist, Musician, Gynecologist Amateur, Public Hair Dresser, Color Printer, Registered Nurse,... > 3. Education Elementary School in Vienna, but mostly self-educated > 4. What city do you live in? Kathmandu (poste restante) > 5. What country do you live in? Nepal > 6. Where were you born and raised? Austria-Hungary > 7. What are 3 things that come to mind when you hear the word "math"? my pneumatic multiplicative doll, hyperboloid and aluminium > 8. Briefly, how do you use math in your daily life? Very briefly. > 9. How is math viewed in your country. Usually with glasses > 10. Do you have any positive experiences with math that you could share? When I was 15 I had an orgasm when I saw my math teacher taking shower, but I thought I was a girl then, so I guess that doesn't count. > 11. Do you have any negative experiences with math that you could share? When I was 39 and already a full-fledged man, I discovered that there is an undiscovered natural number between 12,373 and 12,374. I have proved that this number is divisible by 3, 29 and 73 and its Euler function is 196. However, when I presented my discovery at the 1912 Mathematical Congress in Budapest, professor Hilbert ridiculed my results and made me do 12,373 push-ups in front of the audience. > Thank you very much. If there is anything you would like to know about > The States, I would be happy to share what I know. When is my statue going to replace the Statue of Liberty, as I was promised by the mayor of New York in 1903, 1907 and 1909? With Best Regards, Jara Cimrman, inventor of the Internet =========================================================================

> From: agent@AOL.COM
> Organization: 
> Subject:      Seeking Publication?
> Welcome  and  writers for publication.
> We are a NEW YORK based international literary agency with three
> offices.

Dear Madam/Sir/Mailing Robot,

thank you for sending your message to the mailing list "" 
that for more than 2 years tries to cope with my life, work and inventions.
During more than 80 years of living in seclusion I have amassed approximately
76,500 works from all walks of literary profession and would be willing to 
share some of my jewels with you. After all, being underpublished has been
my fate since 1880s and I feel that change is now long overdue.

> For ALL fiction, including screenplays for TV & Movies: Send us a
> , the  first chapter, and include a self-addressed,
> stamped envelope=S.A.S.E.

I am pleased to inform you that your publishing house will have the honor
of printing my epoch-making novel "Bohemian Knightmares" that depicts life 
of the Czech nobility from the 12th century on until the fatal battle "Na Bile
hore" in 1620. It is impossible for me to give a brief account of such complex
book here, so let me rather show you a few glimpses of its intricate plot.

In CHAPTER 26 the Duchess Marica leaves her castle "Bojnice" and runs away
with a horse-cart loaded with flour. Her trail is soon intercepted by   
vicious baron Kujczynski, who leaves both Petr and Tanya in the care of 
his step-sister Waldermara, and hurries to catch Marica before she is able
to reach Jindrichuv Hradec, where she is expected by mutineers. Fortunately
for Marica, just as Kujczynski is about to overtake her cart, his mare gets
severe hiccups and dear unsuspecting Kujczynski finds himself on the ground,
before you could say "a shoemaker". Marica dashes on through the darkness and 
soon arrives at a little fortress belonging to Petr Vok. They spend the rest
of the night sifting through the flour in order to find a sealed capsule 
with the map of underground sewage system that they want to use as a secret
route for troops in the war against the ever-expanding dynasty of Habsburgs.

In CHAPTER 856 the harvest gets safely home. Old Babinsky is angry that he 
left his rake on the field, but Lambert promises to buy him a new one and
so finally everybody is happy. While Rudolf and Barbora are cooking a dinner,
aunt Dana returns from Svidnik and immediately starts torturing Milada's
younger brother Bretislav, who thinks he his Mr. Jan Hus. Since a kitchen
door is open, Rudolf hears the noises and goes to a pigsty, thinking that
pigs are hungry again. There he finds his fiancee Matylda in a very awkward
situation with a seasonal worker Tobias and starts beating both with a hoe
lying on the floor. Only after he breaks the handle, his temper recedes and 
Rudolf tries to remember some resuscitation techniques from the first aid
course that he took years ago while being a soldier in Pisek. By that time,
happiness is slowly evaporating from Babinsky's mansion. Rudolf goes back
to the kitchen and helps Barbora to prepare a salad.

In CHAPTER 11707 Petr tries to construct a helicopter so he could better
oversee the forest that he inherited from his uncle Frederic. Unfortunately,
the great Leonardo is already dead and Thomas Edison's great grandparents
are not even conceived yet. Desperate that he is the only engyneer left in 
the world at the time, Petr jumps into the stone well and within a few hours  
drowns. His body is found several months later by his old friend Jadviga,
who smells something fishy in the air. The well is filled with soil and gravel
and Petr's mourning family has to buy bottled water in a nearby convenience
store. Jadviga cannot stand the emotional pressure and decides to return  
to South Bohemia, from where her family moved to America three decades ago.   

Well, that's enough for now. If you want to know more about this great plot,
send a self-addressed stamped ship (S.A.S.S.) to Bombay, India and I will
be more than happy to personally load all 34,714 volumes of this monumental
epic on board of your ship. To make this trip worthwhile, I would gladly add 
my 16-valve book binding combine made of freshly cut cherry-tree wood. This
comes at no extra cost. And hey, I'll give you a trained monkey to boot.  

In the past, I also wrote a screenplay for the so far unreleased silent movie 
"Dumb Ventriloquist", starring Charlie Chaplin before he became famous. Its
original version, from 1909, should still be locked somewhere in Hollywood.
And, I am sure you know this, in the Czech Republic I am well-known for my
children books. You may want to consider publishing my lovely comics 
"Cafourek and Krafousek", about two little desert doggies that got lost in 
the middle of Africa and eventually starved to death, or my classical
(but so far unpublished) fairy-tale-horror "Thirteen mothers-in-law". 
Pretty raw, huh? But kids will love it, it's the Halloween time.

> Short Stories: Send brief synopsis, 3 pages, S.A.S.E.

My shortest story is called "Cave-in in Karvina" and it goes like this

"There once was a city named Karvina."

Well, I would agree that that's a little bit too short, so here is 
a complete text of a longer short story "Ghost Cat meets another Ghost":
(it is actually a short drama)


I should add that "Cat" is really spelled "Ca't", but you ignorant   
Newyorkers wouldn't get this pun anyway...

> Poetry: Send 3 poems, S.A.S.E.

Here, I would like to humbly mention that I am the inventor of the absolute
rhyme (as described in early works of my biographers - Smoljak & Sverak), 
which can be achieved, for instance, by attaching so called "acoustic
constants" at the end of each verse. For illustration of the principle,
I enclose an excerpt from my rendition of Emily Dickinson's poem
Nature's Changes (Book III. Nature):

"The lilacs, bending many a year, dyja-dyja-da,
with purple load will hang, dyja-dyja-da,
the bees will not forget the tune, dyja-dyja-da,
their old forefathers sang, dyja-dyja-da."

Please, note how the acoustic constant "dyja-dyja-da" makes the poem   
more dynamic and, indeed, more harmonious to our ears. However, I am aware 
of the fact that the above mentioned constant may sound a little bit 
archaic in modern times, so, please, feel free to replace it by more
contemporary ones, such as "shoobee-doobee" or "hey-hey-baby".

> For ALL nonfiction: Send us a , the first chapter,

As for nonfiction, I would be willing to publish my unique collection
of Christmas carols from Northern Bohemia, as well as all 69,273,342 lines
of a computer code that automatically deletes every obnoxious e-mail and is 
written in my own subject oriented computer language "Jara Script 37.0.3".

I have also compiled a complete and detailed history of a little Austrian 
town Seewalchen since 1573. The highlight of this thrilling and suspenseful
historical monograph is the year 1787 when a gardener of a distant cousin
of Marie-Antoinette (full name Marie-Antoinette-Josephe-Jeanne d'Autriche-
Lorraine, original German Maria-Antonia-Josepha-Joanna von Osterreich-
Lothringen) rode through the town on his way from Salzburg to Linz and 
his horse got thirsty. The monograph is supplemented by 284 colored wood
carvings and an alphabetical list of Archduke Ferdinand's nicknames.

> Company's Initials Are: 

Go for it, rise to the occasion. Do not bother any more with third class
rhymesters and wannabes. Here is your chance to transform WILA from a local
New York publishing mill to a conglomerate that will dominate world's
book market in the next century - and why be modest - in the next millenium!
Together we can do anything - JARA & WILA !!

BTW, how are things going in good old New York? Did they replace the Statue 
of Liberty by the 189 ft statue of mine, as I was promised so many times? 
Remember: I was always saying "New York and Liptakov - my beloved villages".

Well, have fun guys and give me a call whenever you feel like publishing a
totally smashing bestseller. I've got about 76,400 of those in my drawers.

        Mr. Jara da Cimrman
        Kathmandu, poste restante

        phone: 00-032-(394)-911-6723
        faks:  00-032-(394)-911-8236

PS. And, please, excuse my almost fluent English. I was born in Vienna.

PSS. "The future still belongs to aluminium" 

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