BMW Text

This is a copy of the text for Louka's 24th Birthday

fjapan.jpg (50668 bytes) McLean, September 1, 2006

Publisher: Kinko Publishing House
Number of copies in print: 1

Cover Design & Censorship: Irena
German Consulting: Saskia & Leona
String Production: Honza

ISBN: 3141592653

Paper: 91%
Images: 5%
Printed Characters: 3%
Handwriting: 1%
Sugar: 0%

Dear Customer:

It is my pleasure to inform you that the car you have been 
so anxiously tracking over the past few months has finally 
arrived. I would like to apologize, however, for some seasonal 
shrinkage your car has experienced, but long term exposure 
to the salty ocean air has been known to have minor side effects.

On behalf of the extended BMW family I would like to welcome 
you to the customer base of our dealership and I would like to 
extend to you our promise of reliable services that are commonly 
associated with German cars. Please note that your car is due for 
a minor checkup every 10,000 miles and that we recommend that 
every 25,000 miles you also change your opinions.

Should you have any other BMW needs in the foreseeable future, 
please, keep in mind our "Buy 5 BMWs, Get One Free" policy.

Sincerely, Horst Weissengruber
(your local Bong-Marijuana-Weed dealer)

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Dear Young Man:

As you may know, the recent purchase of the BMW automobile is going 
to profoundly change your dating life. Since many women will surely be 
fainting on the street, when they see you stepping out of your vehicle, we 
strongly urge you to brush up on your CPR skills so you can become the 
admired hero of the latest issue of the cool local newsletter JavaTown.

We would also like to proffer a brand new set of sure fire pick-up
lines that were tailor-made by the nationally acclaimed BMW panel,
consisting of a translator of Japanese poetry, a Princeton Professor 
in Transgender Studies and Virginia's prominent lyricist.

The pick-up lines come with a 10-year warranty during which we cover
any legal costs that may result from their use, irrespective of your blood 
alcohol level. Due to the unusual potency and high literary value of our 
pick-up lines, we advice you to use them sparingly.

1. Hey Babe, wanna ride in my BMW?
2. Hey Doll, wanna ride in my BMW?
3. Hey Hottie, wanna ride in my BMW?
4. Hey Gorgeous, wanna ride in my BMW?
5. Hey Sugar, wanna ride in my BMW?
6. Hey Darling, wanna ride in my BMW?
7. Hey Sweetie, wanna ride in my BMW?
8. Hey Sexy, wanna ride in my BMW?
9. Hey Shorty, wanna ride in my BMW?
Make sure your car has one of these.

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Dear Professional Programmer:

You will be relieved to know that your new car's user interface was written completely in Java and as such is UNICODE compliant, which means your BMW is perfectly capable of handling characters from Taiwan, China, Japan, possibly even the Czech Republic.

As an example we include an excerpt of the code that implements changing of gears. Should you ever need to rewrite the code, all the relevant classes and jars are in the package. Since your transmission is manual, a built-in joystick is provided to the right of the driver's seat (it is not X-console compatible)

Please, be also advised that stdin ( of your car is located at the gas tank opening of its chassis, the stdout (System.out) can be accessed through the PowerTrain class and stderr (System.err) is piped through to the exhaust outlet, located underneath your trunk. Note that due to high emissions standards in VA, all binary streams directed to stderr must be sent through the FilteredWriter class.

public class ManualTransmission extends Transmission {
  protected Cogwheel[] m_gearbox; // the mechanical parts
  protected AbstractPedal m_clutch; // the clutch pedal

  public Gear shift(Gear current, boolean upshiftQ) {
    try {;
      if (upshiftQ) current.value++;
      else current.value--;
      if (current.value == 0)
         m_dashboard.println(“Neutral: Expect little power.”);
      if (current.value < 0)
         m_dashboard.println(“Reverse: look in the rear-view mirror.”);
    catch (Noise Exception e) {
      Sapiens driver = super.getDriver();
      // note: Sapiens extends org.heavens.god.Homo
      if (driver == null) this.initializePanicMode();
      else driver.handleNoise(e);
    return current;

  protected void changeGears() throws NoiseException {
    NoiseListener nl = super.getNoiseListener(m_gearbox);
    boolean finishedQ = this.getStatus();
    while (!finishedQ) {
      finishedQ = this.getStatus();
      if (nl.noiseDetected()) throw new FunnyNoiseException();

Dear Amateur Cook:

As you might imagine, your new car has a fine palate and you should
be very careful what you feed it. For hints on proper diet please refer 
to the official BMW cookbook from which we present one excerpt:

The Pheasant a la Pennzouille


- one roadkill pheasant (ran over by a certified BMW)
- 2 quarts of Pennzoil
- a pinch of camshaft shavings
- a serving of chopped cylinder gaskets

Set oven to 375F. Grease a 15 inch transmission box and place
the pheasant and the shavings in it. Gently melt the gaskets.
Mix well together to the consistency of a thick batter.
Remove from the heat an leave to cool. Open the windows.
Not the Microsoft Windows silly.

Serve with assorted nuts and bolts.
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Dear German Non-Speaker:

The acquisition of the finest product of the Bayerische Motor Werke manufacturing plant will make you the center of attention of the German speaking automobile community who will shower you with verbal tokens of their traditional hospitality.

In order to facilitate your communication, we would like to offer a short lesson on the basic German phraseology. The short snippets will enable you to strike up a casual conversation dealing with every day situations in the life of an average BMW owner. For the proper pronunciation, we strongly recommend stuffing your mouth with home made bratwursts. We have also taken the liberty and inserted an audio tape into your casette deck where the snippets are meticulously rendered by honorary members of the Conservative League of Bavarian Schoolmarms.

Practice, enunciate and memorize the below phrases, then use them at will.

Es ist nicht gestattet im Rucksitz des meine BMW Pizrahmsuppe zu essen.
(Do not eat cream of mushroom on the backseat of my BMW.)

Wieviele BMWs passen in ein Olympiaschwimmbecken?
(How many BMWs can you fit in an Olympic size pool?)

Das Gericht hat angeordnet, dass ich nicht meinen Hund ohne BMW vertreten kann.
(The court ruled that I cannot legally represent my dog without a BMW.)

Ist das ein BMW den jemand auf deinen Basstrommelkopf gemalt hat?
(Is that a BMW painted on the head of your bass drum?)

Ein beispielloser, internationaler und zusammenhaengender Schub wird noetig sein um diesen BMW zu starten.
(An unprecedented, multinational and coherent thrust will be needed to start this BMW.)

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Dear Photographer:

You are undoubtedly aware that taking pictures of your new BMW
requires an extra care and planning. Please observe the following
guidelines when snapping photographs of your new curve cutter.

A. Location, location, location

Make sure your car is shot against proper background. For the best
results, use any of the following: tropical rainforest, narrow back-roads
of Paris, metal-glass buildings of the Google Headquarters, Taj Mahal,
the Snows of Kilimanjaro, beaches of Tahiti and Serengeti National Park
(should you choose the last option, please, be advised that vulture poop
may leave indelible and highly non-fragrant marks on your car's finish)

B. Cherchez la femme.

Should you choose a female element accentuating the elegant design
of your car, ensure your hood is graced only with the best of the best: 
Uma Thurman, Angelina Jolie, Kate Hudson or Charlize Theron.

(their agents’ cell numbers have been discreetly placed in the glove 
compartment; please do mention that you are a BMW owner)
Also note that wrong choise of the shooting distance can adversely affect the impressiveness of your new vehicle.

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The red arrow shows your BMW shot from the distance of 75,000 km.

Dear Pianist:

Mastering the controls of your BMW requires some premeditation
and many months of practice. We would like to offer a few
pointers on the fingering of some of the most difficult riffs that
you might encounter in day-to-day operations.

For simultaneously turning on the stereo, the rear-window
defroster and AC, please use the 1-2-4 fingering, unless you
want to reach out all the way to the cigarette lighter too, in which
case we strongly recommend 1-2-4-5. Remember that the passenger 
side power windows controls are about two octaves to the right from 
your CD player. When tuning your radio, use the comfortable 2-3-2-3 
sequence. Most of the controls on your left can be handled by a simple 
push of an index finger, so a straightforward 2 would seem to be an 
adequate fingering for that operation. When signaling mistakes of other 
drivers with your left hand, use 3 (or 2-5 when in Europe). 

You will also be pleased to find that your car has three pedals, just like
your home piano. However their functionality is largely different. The 
leftmost pedal is the clutch, the middle one is the brake and the one on
the right is the gas pedal. Stepping on the gas pedal will not prolong the
tone of your horn. On the other hand, when you come back to the piano,
you may want to remind yourself that the right pedal is not the gas
pedal and no matter how hard you step on it, your piano will not move.
BMW ................... PIANO

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Please, observe the differences.

Dear Sir:

Acquiring a BMW is to effect a truly tectonic shift in your social standing. 
When interacting with owners of other cars, especially the lesser ones, 
you may easily skid into the quandary about the proper course of action. 

Please, heed the following principles of BMW etiquette at all times:

1. Group A: Porsche, Ferrari, Rolls-Royce, Jaguar,...
(treat the group A owners and their chauffeurs with the utmost respect
and veneration, never address them first, always wait to be spoken to; 
do not look directly at their cars;)

2. Group B: Audi, BMW, Mercedes, Volvo,...
(these are your peers, plan golf games with owners of these vehicles 
often; note that your jack may be reassembled into a golf club;
you may exchange insurance cards with the group B female owners,
but remember that a proper gentleman waits to be contacted first)

3. Group C: Honda, KIA, Toyota, Volkswagen,...
(be correct, but slightly aloof with this group, do not let them tarnish the
BMW cachet; limited hobnobbing is acceptable in emergency situations)

4. Group D: Moskvich, Wartburg, Trabant, Lada, Skoda, Dacia, Yugo,…
(wash your hands thoroughly after each contact with these Eastern European
vehicles; if you get towed by them, burn the rope; if you are forced to utter the
names of these brand names in public use industry strength mouthwash)
When playing golf with the Group B owners, use proper equipment.

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Dear Tennis Practitioner:

The crisp handling of BMWs has inspired tennis enthusiasts to device 
a new kind of an extreme sport that allows players to engage in their 
favorite game while enjoying the leather comfort of their favorite car. 
The BMW tennis is very similar to horse polo, except you zigzag the 
tennis court in your nimble BMW instead on your horse and mallets 
Are obviously replaced by tennis rackets. Drive-in courts are now 
available in most major cities in the USA and in Wimbledon.

Useful hints: When serving extend your whole upper torso through 
the sunroof; when playing backhand, lean over and use the passenger 
side window. Make sure the glass is rolled all the way down.

Technical remark: While on court, your car should wear tennis tires.
It will be more responsive, and it won’t leave any skid marks.

Organizational Note: Due to large accident insurance costs, doubles 
in BMW tennis were banned in 1998. Doubles aficionados are referred
to the Demolition Derby Tennis which is popular in parts of Alabama.

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© 2006 Jan Rehacek