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Banbury Cross

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Post details: Social Engineering Proposal

Social Engineering Proposal

According to MapQuest, the driving time between McLean, VA and Stowe, CT is 9 hours and 38 minutes. So when it took us 12 hours and 50 minutes to get to my friend's house in Vermont I knew that the transportation arteries of the Eastern Seaboard are asking for a major heart attack. When you see a sign "Three Lanes Closed Ahead" on a four-lane highway, you know that the comatose traffic crawls to hell. But having a constructive mind, I'd like to propose a slightly non-traditional, mildly objectionable, but 100% functional solution to this problem.

The diagnose is clear - the DC and NYC metros grew way too fat, so let's give the oldest part of this country a little liposuction! I hereby propose that we move both cities deep inland and put a restraining order on their proximity to the Atlantic Ocean.

New York first. Since apples like colder climates, I would suggest to relocate the Big Apple from the Hudson River to the Hudson Bay, somewhere just north of Povungnituk. The New York skyline will look elegant against the cool waters of the Bay and the bears on Wall Street will finally find a habitat they could relate to. The Central Park will segue nicely into arctic tundra and the nearby Fifth Avenue will look much more authentic as a dirt road. Even more so when the New York cabbies are discreetly replaced by moose-drawn caravans with Inuit wagoners. That move itself will simultaneously decrease pollution and increase the New Yorkers' chances of making themselves understood.

With the DC, the situation is more problematic because the country's capital cannot be easily moved into northern Canada. I know, its capacity to absorb major metropolitan areas is virtually limitless, but you can't really run a country with a remote control. So I'd say Kansas.

Capitals should be sitting pretty in the middle of their country (exhibit 1: Brazil). The politicos will probably get a bit cornier, but the stench of their shady deals won't reach the bucolic air of either coast. On the other hand, pigs happily roaming the Capitol Hill will bring a long needed injection of wholesomeness to the scene. And I bet the Corn Beltway will never be jammed. We are not in Washington DC any more, Toto.

With Boston, Philadelphia and Baltimore remaining the only major hubs alongside I-95, a trip from Chesapeake Bay to Canada should become a joyful breezy fiesta.


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